#10

My Key Worker came 'avisitin' yesterday. I'd spent two days cleaning the house from top to bottom. It wasn't dirty! But I'm from the olde schoole. If you are to have visitors, you prepare your home in a way that shows your respect for them, whoever they are. We recently visited friends for the first time, in Bristol, and it was obvious that they had gone to much time and effort to make their home inviting and welcoming. I appreciate that sort of care when I'm on the receiving end.

Anyway, I was knackered, in pain, very tired, and happy with my domestic efforts. Being a house-husband, father, partner, carer, cook, shopper, washer et al, is taken for granted by far too many men in this society of ours. I have always insisted on doing anything I can to share the load. I take pride in not being a burden, but 'there's the rub.' Depression makes one a burden. I have to live with a family, who have to live with someone with a mental illness. A sort of double whammy. I've got it, I make their lives difficult, they mirror that difficulty in the ways they approach me. It ain't easy for them. We all do a balancing act and each day requires a different form of balancing. Relationships are tested and trust holds us all together. I trust them to give me silence when I'm really low, and they trust me to behave in a civilised way.

I have an elephant that emerges at all times of the night and day. It fills the room I'm in. Other people can sense it, but I'm the only one who can herd it. Herding elephants is harder than knitting fog or herding cats. The shear size of it, demands attention, which is distracting, diverting, debilitating and eventually destructive. I've been to the edge of destruction (cue a song) and I know the signs. Hiding the signs from oneself must be similar to alcoholics being in denial. The comfort derived from staring at four walls is much underated. Better to lose oneself in the oblivion of four walls than total oblivion? Yes.

How and when to change my drugs from the treatment of Clinical Depression, to the treatment for Bipolar Disorder, is taxing our brains. If I have OSA (Obstructive Sleep Apnoea) it will make an enormous difference to me, once I have my own CPAP or APAP machine. (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure, or Automatic Positive Airway Pressure) The mood improvement brought about by continual nights of proper sleep, will have considerable relevence upon how we tackle my BAD (Bipolar Affective Disorder).

I do have BAD and I cannot avoid acknowledging its existence. How we approach it is still up for grabs at the moment. I'm told that it may be another two or three weeks before I get the results of my Full Sleep Study. All the relevent medical staff are now aware of my situation and conditions. J was a great help in achieving this. I no longer have the patience to cope with authority figures and I could easily go off like a bottle of pop, if I met a brick wall. I know that walls can be walked around, but I'm too close to situations to be mentally able or fit enough to negotiate an outcome. My job involved constant negotiations, but I can no longer decide what shirt to wear some mornings.

I had a course of counselling to help me get through my days, but I'm too tired, too often, at the moment, to summon up the stamina to take one step at a time.

I've avoided SH for several months and that is a good thing. It is addictive and it does help me cope with severe pains. However, I'm aware of the temptations to indulge in the crimson tide and I've managed (correct word there) my moods with some discipline. But it isn't easy. Extra painkillers do help. They mask the pain though. The trick is to avoid doing anything that will aggravate the pain while it's masked, which would create even more pain later. Been there, done that, got the T shirt.

It's late, I'm heading for bed, or the recliner or the dining table, or the sofa. Or all four.