# 12

J is doing a Home Visit tomorrow. I have much to tell her. I managed to damage my previously repaired right knee, yesterday evening. The doctor in A&E had not heard of the meds I'm on for my Depression. So, looking on the bright side of life (cue a song) she learned of yet another piece of medical armoury to add to her accumulation of knowledge. SH is back under control. J must be told tomorrow. Oh but it does give a sense of euphoria and relief. It can become addictive. I am aware. ME is aware, not just me. The Objective Surveillance has been stepped up.

I want to begin a slowly growing programme of that which interests me. Photography for one. Drawing and painting for two, and returning to my 'pointilism' in crayon and pencil. Thirdly, can I direct my creative writing into a structured timescale on a daily basis? Some writers begin their day at 6.00 in the morning and work through until lunch time, while taking breakfast and tea at their desk.

I'm not altogether (pun intended) sure that my Bipolar will allow me to be so disciplined. (Have you noticed how close the words 'disciple' and disciplined' are? And what about Alphabet? Who has noticed the Alpha Beta Omega connection? I only realised this one yesterday, while sitting on the throne in my monk's cell) I've had to get used to the idea that the words which appear on my page cannot be forced out into the open. They flower and bloom in their own sweet time, and I am merely the medium they use. If this sounds mad, look at the name of my blog! I am not someone important and I am not like those poor souls who believe they are someone important from the pages of history, like Napoleon etc.

I'm an ordinary bloke who has a mental illness. I've been to the Edge of the Abyss and contemplated letting go. Perhaps the intense and tremendously powerful feelings experienced on the Edge, have kick-started a part of my mind that would have lain dormant? I really don't know.

Whatever happened, the result is that for the moment, I have several ideas for poems, which I am keeping up-to-date, by adding any pertinent, passing thoughts, to my Voice Recorder. The thoughts are now noted and not lost within seconds of appearing in my mind. J gave me the idea to do this and it's a good one. Dylan Thomas carried scraps of paper to write down words and phrases, as and when they came to him. I'm using the Voice Recorder in the same way. But I'm no Dylan Thomas. (or Napoleon)

Once I have a few recordings, I sit at this PC and get the thoughts down onto a screen page. This is usually about 2 days recordings and to be honest, I wonder what the hell I meant when I dictated some of them. However, they meant something at the time, so they get typed as well as the other stuff. It has become a voyage of discovery for me. I'd forgotten a lot of what I'd dictated. It's surprising how much there is. But that's down to my useless memory. At least I'm not losing stuff like I have done for years.

The simple act of writing this blog enables me to focus on what is important in my mind as I prepare the words, and the order in which they are to appear before you. It is proving to be a useful part of my therapy. I considered writing 'recovery' instead of 'therapy,' but Bipolar could be with me on a permanent basis.